irritation

i don't know know what is going on with me these days. i easily get irritated by the one person who is supposed to be a very good friend. a friendship that goes a way back college days. i really don't know if i could attribute this feeling to my whole dubai situation. i remember that i already overcome this kind of behavior while i was still working in the bank. i read books about it and somehow i was able to apply whatever that particular book tells me to do in whatever situation i may be in. and then came the time that i had to bid my farewell to that job and start something new from somewhere else. somewhere that was not really planned. could it be that the reason that the reason that i am feeling this way is because i never plan things....oh boy, this is going to be bad if i will always keep feeling this way. this is not very productive of me. this is like making 100 steps backward.....

do i still have to ask for signs...

that is what i have been thinking lately. the question now is do i really have to ask for signs when what i really feel deep insided is to go back home. in case you would want to know where i am as of this writing, i am currently in dubai working in an automobile company selling cars for export. specifically, i am the person in charge for cars purchased for Iraq. for the last 4 months that i have been with this company, i have always thought that of leaving the job and go back home and start again in the banking industry where i have been working for the past 11 years. although i don't have a guarantee that i will be able to go back to the same company that i worked with for the longest time, it is my desire to go back in the same industry where i think i would flourish professionally. or that is how i believe where i should be. now, i think it is too late to ask for signs if i should stay or not. i mean, it has been agreed already by my boss that i can now go, even if the person who i am supposed to replace will come back or not. the misgivings that i am feeling lately is due to the fact that i will be going back home kinda failed in my desire to make it big here in dubai.not only that, i am also thinking of the loss in investment that i will incur should i decide to go back home. The worst thing that i have to consider is, the money that i have squandered is not mine, but that of my mother's which she painstakingly saved over the years. oh boy, what would that make me? i can be easily likened to the prodigal son. ain't that a shame?

it has been a while since the last time i posted something in here. i have been meaning to do it but i got busy with my quest for the life i am yearning to have. but the funny thing is, i don't know exactly what is it that i want. ain't is sad that at my age i am still lost soul? how could this be?

The journey starts here…..

I'm on my way. Although I am not sure if doing this is the right thing to do, but I know in my heart, I should do it. It doesn't make me that stressed anymore. I guess, time has helped me make the decision. It really helps when you search within your heart, and ask help from the universe, whatever it is that is bothering you. It has helped me a lot. I know one day, could share this to people, to those who also had this kind of dilemma. In time…

Happiness

It may seem that I am forcing it as of the moment, but I know someday, amidst the fears and the worries, I will find it in my heart to be genuinely happy.

it's not about me...

I am on a quest. I have always been. Searching for life's meaning has always been a yearning so profound it would always make my being ache. Even at a very young age, I already wondered about my existence. Back then, I would ask this question: "If we are, as human beings were created by God, then who created Him?" That would then go on and on because I would then ask all over again, who created his creator. Exhausted, I would then just rest my case. It was never really answered. I guess, I could say that my intellect was beyond me. And so I went on with my life, with no master plan, no vision whatsover. I was just there for the sake of my existence. But I was an empty shell.

I still am, as of writing this. Now that I have nothing to do since I resigned from my very stable job, I still don't have a clue as to where I would go next. I tried working in a call center industry, but it felt as though my heart is not really into it. I was having hard time even with the simple task of introducing myself to the class. How then will I be able to carry on my job if I am having such difficulties. But then, a part of me is screaming why I was accepted in the first place, having to go rounds and rounds of difficult exams and interviews, and still got through, if I really don't have the talent for it?

Up until now, I am still astounded by the fact that I blew my chances of having a cool career, one that I always looked forward to do back when I was still a banker. But when I finally got there, I was still having doubts whether I am really in the right path. I was in doubt because, as I said, I was having a rough time with the training and all. It felt as though, I was so stupid I cannot understand anything, any lesson, the first time I would hear it.

And so came the day that we would take our first call. I sucked big time that I had to flee from the scene and never looked back.....away from it all...don't really know where to go and what to do next.

That was already like a month ago, and I still have not recovered from the fiasco of my first call. Probably my last as I have no intention of going back to that industry again. Well, I probably should not close my doors, especially that at my age, work is not easy to come by in other fields.

And now that I am overcome by fear, fear that I will not be able to stand back on my feet again, I am again at question as to the meaning of all of this, the things that happened to my life, why it has come to this, and above all, what am I really here for?

Then, I came across Rick Warren's book, telling me, that it is not about me. It is about God.......

Chaos

I'm having hard time sleeping. I would like to think that the reason behind this is because I sleep way until mid-day. But no, I would just like to think of it that way. I'm actually worried about my finances. I am broke and I don't have work as of the moment. That is what is keeping me awake during the night. I used to have a stable job. But I have always thought of getting out of it back when I was still there, thinking that I could easily get a job somewhere else. I was pretty sure that I would be accepted in a call center industry owing it to the fact that I can pretty much speak and understand english. Well, to be very honest, the reason why I left the banking industry was because I thought it was too serious a job and the responsibility was so huge and I was overcome by fear that I will not be able to handle it. It's the fear actually. The fear of the unknown. I have this nasty habit of conjuring up problems that in reality, would never happen. Problems that never really existed after all. The thing is, this is already my personality. It is already a part of being who I am. I am actually pretty aware of it, but to this day, I am still struggling everytime I would have such bouts.

And as I said, I went on and left the banking industry. Not really sure what I would do next. What was vivid back then was that I really have to leave, adamantly, because of the unfounded fear of the unknown. What it boils down to really, is that I was afraid of the problems that I may encounter in the course of my job. Well, people get tired every now and then, for some job that has been their life for a decade. I mean, who would not want to run away from it if given the chance. Mine was more of the fact that I am not really such a strong person to handlepressure such as in the bank, but the thing is, I never really tried. Never looked the problem in the eye. That was my problem.

Now that I am out of that job, finally, I am thinking again of going back in because life in the call center industry is not that easy after all. I was having hard time even with the simple task of talking about myself, introducing myself in front of people, how much more if I would be taking in actual calls. Yeah, I did have my first call. Unfortunately, that was my last, because I got petrified. I went blank, as I had been during mock calls. I never really get around the reason behind it because, I ran again.

Lost Soul

I have always been a lost soul. Looking back, stretched as far as my childhood memories, I've always felt the emptiness that seem to have been a constant companion. I would wander about and ponder what purpose I would have to fulfill. I never had that sense of direction that would have been my guide. A compass that would tell me where to go. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that a very young age, I already knew that I was different. I never really gave much thought about it back then. I guess I was too young to care. And I really don't know what it meant. To be different. I have been mocked for being what I am. Tried as I might, but my inclination would give away the fact that I am gay. So you could only imagine that at a very young age, I was already ashamed of myself. I made up a facade, tried very hard to tell people otherwise, but I struggled, for the most part. I have always been in a sea of grief but I somehow managed to stay afloat. I never had anybody that I could tell my problems to. It's difficult to open up to somebody when you are not being honest to yourself. I must have built too many walls, in an attempt to conform what society believed to be the norm, thus I find it difficult to confide. But I kept telling myself: "Should I remain hide?"