it's not about me...

I am on a quest. I have always been. Searching for life's meaning has always been a yearning so profound it would always make my being ache. Even at a very young age, I already wondered about my existence. Back then, I would ask this question: "If we are, as human beings were created by God, then who created Him?" That would then go on and on because I would then ask all over again, who created his creator. Exhausted, I would then just rest my case. It was never really answered. I guess, I could say that my intellect was beyond me. And so I went on with my life, with no master plan, no vision whatsover. I was just there for the sake of my existence. But I was an empty shell.

I still am, as of writing this. Now that I have nothing to do since I resigned from my very stable job, I still don't have a clue as to where I would go next. I tried working in a call center industry, but it felt as though my heart is not really into it. I was having hard time even with the simple task of introducing myself to the class. How then will I be able to carry on my job if I am having such difficulties. But then, a part of me is screaming why I was accepted in the first place, having to go rounds and rounds of difficult exams and interviews, and still got through, if I really don't have the talent for it?

Up until now, I am still astounded by the fact that I blew my chances of having a cool career, one that I always looked forward to do back when I was still a banker. But when I finally got there, I was still having doubts whether I am really in the right path. I was in doubt because, as I said, I was having a rough time with the training and all. It felt as though, I was so stupid I cannot understand anything, any lesson, the first time I would hear it.

And so came the day that we would take our first call. I sucked big time that I had to flee from the scene and never looked back.....away from it all...don't really know where to go and what to do next.

That was already like a month ago, and I still have not recovered from the fiasco of my first call. Probably my last as I have no intention of going back to that industry again. Well, I probably should not close my doors, especially that at my age, work is not easy to come by in other fields.

And now that I am overcome by fear, fear that I will not be able to stand back on my feet again, I am again at question as to the meaning of all of this, the things that happened to my life, why it has come to this, and above all, what am I really here for?

Then, I came across Rick Warren's book, telling me, that it is not about me. It is about God.......